RAMBLE (& I Love the Way You Walk Away)

this is up at my sister’s house… I filled in the word, she drew the picture. oh, and notice my mom in the top left corner.

It’s the most romantic word I can think of.

RAMBLE: to walk or go from one place to another place without a specific goal, purpose, or direction; to go from one subject to another without any clear purpose or direction

I’m a rambler.

I ramble. Both in life and on this blog. Sometimes I feel that my purpose and direction is hazy (the grey matters) and there are days I wonder what in the world I’m doing. What are all these words adding up to? Where are my steps taking me?

Burnin’ this bridge cause I need the light

For to see my way in the coming night

(Blitzen Trapper, Love the Way You Walk Away)

Then I remember my favorite word and smile because it doesn’t really matter. Having no real direction or purpose at this point in time is working out. I can’t explain why, but it is. I’m happier than ever. Not in that annoying and sort of manic, “I’m so happy, but I have a crazy sadness hidden behind my eyes,” type of happy…. but a calm and content level of enjoyment with my life right now.

Right now I’m in New Mexico. I’m sitting in the house where I grew up. I’m on my dad’s laptop. I’ve taken about one hundred photos of the sky and mountains. I’ve seen all the people I’ve missed. And I’m realizing… right now, I’m not supposed to be living here.

I even said out loud, “I’m going back home [to Wisconsin] on Wednesday.” Which was a surprise, given my little rant on home the other day. It took being back in my hometown to realize that I’m getting used to my new surroundings. I find comfort in what I’ve had around me every day the last five months. And to tell you the truth, I miss my friends in the Midwest. I didn’t realize I had a routine going on. I didn’t realize I could almost always count on seeing such-and-such person at least once every week or so. I love this part of my life. The new is just as important as the “old”… something I didn’t think was possible or realistic.

I took a hike in the foothills during my time here and I thought of one song the whole time:

A brand new coat of paint

on this brokedown palace couldn’t compensate

for the things I never really said to make you stay

cause I love the way you walk away

(Blitzen Trapper, Love the Way You Walk Away)

Instead of feeling unwanted with an idea like this, I now feel whole. I feel that watching someone walk away can be downright perfect. I tried for the new coat of paint on my home… aka… sprucing up my old life to make it something that would keep me. No matter what I did, the words to “make me stay” weren’t said. I now realize that the biggest mistake wasn’t the lack of effort there… the biggest mistake was the way I let it weaken my sense of self worth.

And it turns out, walking away was the best thing I ever did for myself.

The best friendships I’ve formed recently have been with those who have walked away from a certain aspect of their life. Everything was turned upside down. It’s these people who I feel connected with and also very free from. We’ve learned and even EARNED a level of solitude that should be respected.

When I listened to the Biltzen Trapper song on my hike, it made me smile, because now the lyrics mean something so different. I think, “Yes, I love the way you walk away, because you don’t need me and I don’t need you. Yet, the moments we do share are unlike any other. And guess what? When I think of you or spend time with you, it’s because I value who you are as an individual. I also know you value me as an individual.”

“All I heard was the stars as they spoke to me

an ancient tongue, speaking loud and true

telling me all the ways that I’m losing you.”

(Blitzen Trapper)

All I’m saying is, I don’t know where I’m going. I’m rambling.

This blog is all over the place… rambling. I even ramble on and on in conversation. Sometimes I hear myself and think, “Just be quiet, Melinda.”

Also, all I’m saying is this:

I appreciate the other ramblers I know. I appreciate when people walk away from me and into their own lives. I appreciate when these people let me do the same thing. I also now appreciate those who let me go, no matter how it was done. Those scars fade. My burning bridge really did help me see where I was going.

Here’s to the journey… the wonderers… the ramblers.

Love,

Lou (who just might walk away, but will always come back)

p.s. in true Melinda fashion… here’s a good and depressing song that I absolutely LOVE. Enjoy.