No Longer Jaded

Today’s another off topic day. This month is kicking me where it hurts and some days I can hardly believe I signed up (completely on my own, I remind myself) for this blogging every day deal.

I choose today, Day 18, to blog about something hitting pretty close to home: no longer feeling completely jaded about love and marriage.

Spoiler alert: This is NOT because I magically found The Man of My Dreams here in small town USA. 

It is, however, because I’ve started looking at my whole “situation” differently. I feel like every single day provides some sort of learning scenario for little old me. I’m learning how to handle myself better, how to be calm, how to maintain a somewhat positive attitude and I’m even learning to worry less about who’s going to show up at my front door.

In fact, I don’t expect anyone to show up at my front door. And that’s okay.

I also don’t expect anyone to walk into this here public library. Except for the really cute occasional old lady or the slightly too loud high school kid. 

That’s okay, too.

I was reminded lately by my friend Jess of something kind of shocking. I’ve probably mentioned it on here before, especially since I decided to make this blog largely about the grey areas in life.

She reminded me how far I’ve come. Because there was a time, not toooo long ago, when I really didn’t know how to function on my own. How is this evident? Welp, one day I called her because I felt proud. Why did I feel proud? Because I’d watched a movie alone for the first time. I was 24 and had never watched a movie completely solo. Is that weird? I didn’t think so at the time. I thought SHE was kind of weird, because she told me she savored her nights alone, drinking wine and watching a movie. She said she had nights like this on purpose, in fact. I was astounded. That seemed lonely and awful to me.

But miracle of all miracles! I get it now! I look forward to any alone time I can muster up these days. My wine is more often a glass of whiskey, but man… on a warm night, out on the porch, I like to be with no one else.

Here I am with Jess T, and I love these two pictures. The first one says to me, “These girls move through life!” And we do. When we get together we have more updates that the average cat. Just try to keep up, this photograph says. 

This one says, “We brought in the new year together and it’s going to be one hell of a 2015!!!” Which it has been so far.

Jess and Mel

Up until not too long ago I had a new schpeal. It went something like this:

Well, I’ve already been down the marriage route. It didn’t work, so quite frankly, f*** marriage and anything that requires more paperwork to get out of than it takes to get yourself into. I made promises and couldn’t keep them. Someone made promises to me and surely didn’t keep them either. It broke my spirit. Don’t tell me you love me, those words mean nothing. But Hey, I’m being super positive despite all that and Hey, I’d have a kid with someone before I married them or needed them to tell me they loved me. I’d rather be shown love than to ever hear those words again. Maybe no one is really happy, but some people just don’t pay attention. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. So, anyway, yeah, I don’t really need to be a Mrs again. The ONLY thing worse in this world I can imagine than getting a divorce is getting a second divorce. End argument.

Whew! Right?! Me? I’ve spouted this out and if you know me well, you’ve probably even heard it. (Guess who wasn’t too happy with this estimation of the rest of my life? Ahem… mom and dad.)

I’ve done a lot of soul searching and a hell of a lot of praying (excuse that very ironic way of saying that) lately. I think I’ve actually come to peace with the idea of maybe marrying again. I try not to keep track of the clock in that regard. I think maybe God is making me wait a while. Just to feel out this very strong and amazing way of living… the one that Jessica T tried convincing me was actually super fun.

I’m no longer jaded…. I’m no longer so sure that I’ll never find what I’m looking for. Just because it didn’t work out once, doesn’t mean that I’m doomed. It’s just that, well, that’s how it felt.

I guess next time I’ll do it differently. I already approach all relationships differently, so I can’t say I didn’t learn something. I know who I am now, like I never did before. Also, that silver lining, or blessing in disguise as my mom would call it, about my “lot in life” is that I have a pretty good idea of what I’m looking for and what I definitely need to draw the line with. I now know how to spot a warning sign from a mile away… but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to take some chances.

All in all, it was a great thing to ponder today as I harvested spinach till my fingers threatened to freeze off.

I’m no longer jaded, and it’s a good feeling.

Love,

Lou (who’s still having a grand ol time taking library themed selfies)